Free Falling

There are so many interesting things happening in my life right now, interesting, challenging, inspiring, overwhelming. And every time I turn around the universe is screaming, “Let it go Nia. Let it go!” In the last 4 years I’ve lost my house to a fire, my son to adulthood, (the journey through the teens almost killed me) and my uncle, father in-law, grandmother and father to the circle of life and death itself. And in the middle of it all, I myself am changing. I’m 48.

My body is changing. My career is changing. While part of me struggles to hang on still I hear the universe calling, “Let it go!” and I wonder where my responsibility lies; to the known or the unknown. To what I “know” works or to the possibilities that lie yet untapped. But this I know; I must have peace.

For with peace comes freedom, freedom to express, to grow, to stay or to go. The key to this, I am told, isforgiveness. Forgiveness not as in something you give to someone who has wronged you, relinquishing them of all responsibility, but forgiveness as in a perspective you give yourself releasing you from the bondage of the hurt; forgiveness as in not wanting to change the past but as in accepting that things are so, that people are so, thus freeing your mind, your spirit your heart to move ahead boldly without fear, free to experience joy to its fullest, to be on the receiving end of blessings you might have otherwise over looked.

As I contemplate forgiveness I make a list of those I need to forgive, never having realized I was holding on to so much pain and hurt as a shield, a shield that has become much more of a weight growing heavier with every passing day. But most surprising was the discovery of my need to forgive myself; for potential unfulfilled, dreams never persued, goals not met. That, of all things, I wore like a noose around my neck that tightens with every disappointment I set myself up for, even in the simplest things. Every day I make an incomprehensibly long list of errands to run, people to see, classes to take that goes unrealized, I’m disappointed in myself.

Every time I over extend myself even if I complete the task but complain on the inside, I feel a little smaller, a little less capable, and a little deeper in the hole. Forgiveness is the answer, forgiveness and acceptance:

Acceptance that there is a limit to what can be done.  Acceptance that just because my mind can dream it and my eyes can see it doesn’t mean my body can achieve it. Not all at the same time. Acceptance that we must prioritize.

And forgiveness: Forgiveness that we failed to achieve what we expected we should be able to achieve. Forgiveness that we let others down even as we were trying our best to lift them up. That we cannot answer every letter, lighten every load, remember every birthday. And ultimately forgiveness for not being kinder to ourselves by accepting that we are fine the way we are warts, limitations and all.

But how do we forgive, accept and let it go when there is so much to be done. So many left to inspire, so many inneed of our help, so many we could teach, enlighten or just plain bring rest to.  For this there can only be one answer and the universe has been shouting it out to me for years:” Let it go..” Let it go and let God. Pray. Meditate. Release it to the universe. However you want to say it, whatever terminology you use. Let it go! Let it go and know that we are each but a small thread in the fabric of the universe. And trust that the fabric itself has a life, a place a purpose, a power of its own. Allow it to fulfill its purpose through the collective of “we” the threads. Let it be. Let it go. Let God.

Be willing to free FALL Forgive myself for taking on what isn’t mine to be carried.  Accept that the role I have is a part of a much bigger play.   Let go of my own expectations and attachment to outcome.   Let GOD orchestrate the universe to the ultimate good of all.

Quite simply, “ be not anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to GOD.

And the peace of GOD which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds…PH 4:6 Believe me when I say the greatest things that have happened in my life were not of my own design, but seemingly by chance.

As life carries us onward, in whatever direction and incarnation, know that I love you. I respect you. I want to share all that I am, all that I have with you.

But I am only a thread, a thread in the fabric that we together are a part of:  The fabric of the universe, this beautiful, magical universe that GOD herself created. The rest I let go of.  I let GOD. And I enjoy the ride as I’m free FALLing.  Written by: Nia Peeples

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